5-Convo Friday - Affirmations

Building identity

In Summer School Part 5, we looked at the difference between Directive and Reflective coaching interactions. Most coaches have more practice being Directive. We’re used to cueing, correcting, and leading athletes toward a specific result.

But Reflective? That’s trickier. So instead of 5-Play Friday, this series is 5-Convo Friday where I create some hypothetical conversations. These are loosely-based on interactions I’ve had with athletes in the past.

I highlighted 4 core skills the Motivational Interviewing framework uses:

1. Open-Ended Questions

2. Affirmations

3. Reflective Listening

4. Summarizing

In each case, the goal is to allow the athlete to steer the conversation until they make a Change Statement that indicates they want a change in outcome and understand that it will require a change in behavior. At this point, you and the athlete can then move toward Directive mode. How much of the direction comes from you and how much comes from the athlete is dependant on a lot of factors.

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Coaching isn’t just about fixing mechanics—it’s about helping athletes see themselves differently. Sometimes people say that the job of a coach is to see more in athletes than they see in themselves.

That’s what Affirmations do.

In the Motivational Interviewing (MI) framework, affirmations aren’t compliments. They’re not “great job!” or “nice serve!” They’re verbal cues that help athletes attach identity to action.

Think of it this way:

Feedback says what happened. Affirmations say what it means.

Here are five hypothetical conversations where a coach uses Affirmations to help an athlete build identity.

Convo 1: First-Time Pancaker

Context: 14s player who’s usually tentative on defense just sprawled for a pancake and got the ball up.

Coach: “I saw that pancake!”
Player: grins “I just wanted to get it up.”
Coach: “That’s what effort looks like.”
Player: smiles
Coach: “Welcome to the pancake club!”

For young players, there’s often a step-change between players who will get the ball when it comes to them, and players who actively pursue the ball. Maybe 10% of kids will naturally throw themselves around the court to pursue balls, while the other 90% need to build that over time. This is actually one reason I teach pancakes, even though, long-term, they are less valuable than Double Push dive moves — they are a little more forgiving on the body and can be a gateway for young players to start getting after it on defense.

Convo 2: The Couragous Server

Context: After missing a couple serves in the match, a high school player hits a hard, deep serve on match point to knock them out-of-system. It leads to winning the match on that point.

Coach: “That was a heck of a serve there.”
Player: “Finally! That’s what I’ve been trying to do all week.”
Coach: “You know, a lot of kids would have punked out and lollipopped it down the middle on match point.”
Player: “No I knew we needed a good serve there.”
Coach: “That took courage. I love to see it.”

It’s pretty easy to have good conversations when a player succeeds, and I think the key here is to help tie that success to building a larger identity for that player. Hitting a good serve is good in-and-of-itself. But if I’m a couragous player? Well, that’s just what I do.

Convo 3: The New Communicator

Context: College freshman setter continues to initiate the feedback loop with a testy senior hitter, even though that hitter isn’t giving her much to work with.

Coach: “I see you communicating out there.”
Player: “Yeah… I was trying.”
Coach: “She wasn’t giving you much to work with, but you kept at it.”
Player: “It feels kind of weird still.”
Coach: “You’re not totally comfortable with her yet.”
Player: “Yeah but… I know these conversations need to happen.”
Coach: “That’s leadership right there, when you’re willing to have the tough conversation.”

In this case, the coach isn’t necessarily affirming some grand victory, like in the previous example. In this case, the player has the right instincts, and the coach is affirming her decisions to start down the path of being a leader — even as a freshman.

Convo 4: Calling Your Touch

Context: Ref calls the ball out in a club tournament, other team is asking for a touch, your outside hitter acknowledges that she touched it.

Coach: “Not everybody would do the right thing like that.”
Player: “Yeah, I mean… I’m not going to lie when I definitely touched it.”
Coach: “Hey, some thing are more important than one point in a club volleyball tournament.”

Possible can of worms here, but, especially in club volleyball, I think players should call their own touches — if it’s obvious and if the other team saw it as well.

Convo 5: Returning From Injury

Context: Libero coming back from a sprained ankle just finished her first full-speed practice.

Coach: “You were moving around there today!”
Player: “I was nervous at first… but it felt okay.”
Coach: “You didn’t seem scared.”
Player: “Actually, I was a little worried about rolling it.”
Coach: “I wouldn’t have known it just watching you.”
Player: “I knew I had to just go for it out there.”
Coach: “You gotta be tough to play this sport sometimes.”

Again, affirmations aren’t always grand declarations. But I do like to communicate to volleyball players (especially female volleyball players) that part of sport is getting a little banged-up from time to time and it requires some physical toughness.¹ It’s good for kids to see themselves as tough.

You can over-use affirmations as well, so there’s a line to be drawn here. But when players are showing real growth, using an affirmation can help them start building an identity as the type of player who…

1. This is not a call to play through injury, rush back from injury, etc. I’m way on the opposite side of that fence. It’s just an acknowledgement that sometimes you will get banged up and you have to pick yourself up and work through the process of getting back on the court, which isn’t always fun.