5-Convo Friday - Reflective Listening

Stay in the conversation long enough to get somewhere.

In Summer School Part 5, we looked at the difference between Directive and Reflective coaching interactions. Most coaches have more practice being Directive. We’re used to cueing, correcting, and leading athletes toward a specific result.

But Reflective? That’s trickier. So instead of 5-Play Friday, this series is 5-Convo Friday where I create some hypothetical conversations. These are loosely-based on interactions I’ve had with athletes in the past.

I highlighted 4 core skills the Motivational Interviewing framework uses:

1. Open-Ended Questions

2. Affirmations

3. Reflective Listening

4. Summarizing

In each case, the goal is to allow the athlete to steer the conversation until they make a Change Statement that indicates they want a change in outcome and understand that it will require a change in behavior. At this point, you and the athlete can then move toward Directive mode. How much of the direction comes from you and how much comes from the athlete is dependant on a lot of factors.

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At first, Reflective Listening feels like parroting back what an athlete says. And… it kinda is. It’s a coaching skill that keeps the athlete engaged, helps them sharpen their own thinking, and—if you’re patient—can lead to what MI calls a Change Statement.

Here are five hypothetical examples of what Reflective Listening looks like in the gym.

Convo 1: The Frustrated OH

Context: A high school outside hitter is visibly frustrated after an error-heavy practice.

Coach: “Rough day.”
Player: “I just can’t seem to hit anything.”
Coach: “Feels like everything’s getting touched or dug.”
Player: “Yeah, even when I go high seam or sharp cross.”
Coach: “So you’re mixing your shots, but they’re not falling.”
Player: “I’m thinking too much… I don’t feel smooth.”
Coach: “You want to trust the swing, not overthink it.”
Player: “Exactly. I want to just go.”
Coach: “What if we built a cue to remind you to ‘just go’?”
Player: nods “Yeah. I need that.”

This is an idealized version of what a lot of your conversations with frustrated athletes might look like. You probably have the desire to rush in and start fixing, but it’s better if you can use Reflective Listening to let the conversation go at the athlete’s pace. If you can hear her say, “I want to…” or “I need to…” that’s a much stronger statement where she’s likely to buy in to whatever change you start building with her.

Convo 2: The Coach-Like Setter

Context: College setter who’s been watching film and asking for more strategic responsibility.

Player: “I’ve been watching how their middle changes her hands when she’s going to commit — she keeps her hands a lot higher.”
Coach: “Nice! You’re seeing when she commits and when she reads.”
Player: “Yeah, and I think I can read that.”
Coach: “So go quick when she reads and find the pin when she’s going to commit.”
Player: “Right. I want to run the game based on what they do—not just what we always do.”
Coach: “You want more autonomy to dictate the game.”
Player: “I do. That’s when I play best.”
Coach: “Let’s build a few options into the game plan and see where you take it.”

The athlete already has a Change Statement: “I want to run the game.” The coach listens well enough to hear it. At a certain point, you have to make sure your players are making the right decisions, but that’s kind of the easy part. If you have a player who is engaged enough to start these conversations, they’re going to be fairly easy to teach. And reflecting a little bit is going to allow you to hear how much she desires some autonomy. That’s important for you to know.

Convo 3: The Over-Cue’d Libero

Context: Club libero who’s been overwhelmed by mid-match feedback. She's shutting down a bit.